Jack White is auctioning off his stuff, and the lot descriptions are priceless

Jack White likes to collect stuff, be it a taxidermy elephant head or the first recording Elvis Presley ever made.

While Nashville's resident rock star is holding on to those items, he's putting more than 100 others on the auction block next week.

The "Garage Sale" online auction, presented by White and his label Third Man Records, opens August 26 and closes on August 30. The public will be able to bid on "guitars, amplifiers, personal items, stage equipment and other one-of-a-kind items" from the label's archives and White's personal collection.

The most coveted item may be a red drum kit used in The White Stripes music video for "The Hardest Button to Button," complete with a Starlight Mint-painted kick drum. There's also a pair of speakers used for vocals at the band's earliest practice sessions in the late '90s, and bunch of guitars and amps used for tours, recording and video shoots.

But even if you don't have room in your home, heart or wallet for an odd piece of gear, furniture or memorabilia once owned by White, we urge you to check out the listings and lot descriptions.

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The most mundane and random items come with a sales pitch, whether it's "The World's Okayest Green Chair," a vintage pantyhose dispenser or "Probably the Greatest Chandelier Ever Made."

Here's the description for the chair, for example: "You tired yet? Here...come have a seat. You think the color blue is a little too egotistical? And that yellow is a cop out? Well then luxuriate yourself in the absolute glory that is this green upholstery."

For a wholly unremarkable computer monitor: "You like looking at things? You got a camera? Stop lying to yourself, you know you want this monitor. It's literally the easiest way to monitor things." 

A 10-year-old computer printer: "Be real...you're still just printing out all of your bail bonds and parole forms on the sly from the office Xerox machine, right? Well jump into the 20th century and try on this sleek Epson printer so you've no more reason to hide the printing of those sixteen, black-and-white, collated, one-sided pieces of A4 paper every other week which is slowly chipping away the profits of your Jumanji-themed pedal tavern business."

The absurdity carries on through tales of mysterious fortune tellers, Tom Hanks trivia and a detour into the checkered past of square dancing. After the third chandelier listing, the author surmises, "I think a chandelier store went out of business and we just jumped into the dumpster they had out back and grabbed whatever we could."

At any rate, it's well worth your time. See the full collection at onlinenashvilleauctions.hibid.com.

A portion of proceeds will go to benefit the John Peel Centre, Gideon's Army, and the Detroit Phoenix Center.